Throughout this whole journey so far, I have been super positive about everything happening. I know this is just a blip in the road of my life, and in a few months, maybe even years, this is just something to look back on, and think, what have I learned from this. This has been my mindset. I haven’t been sad about it and (why me …. etc) because that doesn’t help anything. It doesn’t make treatment work better, it doesn’t help me feel better, so why even let those thoughts go into my head. Just seemed like a waste of time and energy to me!
But today…. was slightly different. Today was my first day of chemotherapy. CHEMOTHERAPY! As soon as you say that word to someone, their eyes change, they are not sure where to look, and they just seem sad! And that was today, I just felt sad!
My chemo was at 9 am, which was great as it means and I could get in, get out, and be done! None of this waiting around for hours. So, I picked up a bag full of things I may need, as I didn’t know what to expect. I had a blanket in case it was cold, socks, and a hat. (It was winter, so it made sense to me). Water, sandwiches, and a variety of snacks. Kindle, Sudoku puzzle book, and my phone charger. I look like I had packed to stay overnight if I’m honest, but better to be safe than bored or hungry! 😊
Laura came with me to the hospital, and we sat and had a costa before having to go in. And that is when it hit me. Just sat there, drinking my coffee and looking at Laura’s sad (but also proud) face, I didn’t WANT to have chemotherapy. I didn’t want to have an infusion of drugs that are going to make me feel poorly, because right at that moment, I felt fine! I felt like a fraud for having time off work, it was a strange feeling (sometimes I felt guilty and thought that people may think I am lying about having cancer because I wasn’t poorly!). That was the first time that I thought about myself, and that I DON’T WANT THIS!! This sucks, why me? I don’t want to leave that table in costa with Laura and go and sit on my own and have drugs poured into me. I didn’t want it; I didn’t like it – but….it had to be done. So, after a few tears, I pulled up my big boy pants, finished my coffee, and headed for the Dorset Cancer Day Unit.
Due to Covid, Laura wasn’t able to come with me, so said goodbye at the entrance with a big squeeze, and I made my way in with my rucksack full of goodies! The first thing I noticed when walking in was how quickly I was greeted. There were about 3 smiling faces behind reception who all greeted me as if they knew it would be me walking through the door next. Already felt a rush of relief as I sat down on a chair next to reception.
First things first – weigh time. They weigh you each time to make sure nothing drastic has happened to your weight and that you can have the chemotherapy drugs etc. It wasn’t the best shape I have been in, but for someone who is 5”10, and loves food, I was a nice 92kg. Overweight, but don’t care at this moment in time! Ha! Once weighed I was taken into one of the wards. This area had about 5 bays I would say, and each bay could hold 4 patience. Each corner of the room had a chair, a table, a few machines and one of them also had a bed. Everything was lovely and clean and smelling fresh!
When I walked into the bay, there were already 2 people in there all hooked up their machines just getting on with it. This was a relief. One was happily reading the paper, and another was playing on his phone! This already made me feel so much better. They were not sitting there throwing up or glowing red or even turning into the incredible hulk. It simply looked like they were coming for a top-up of life!
I was sat in a chair by the window, and my nurse C introduced herself. She asked me how I was if I had any questions and just made me feel comfortable. The housekeeper also came in and offered me water, tea and coffee as soon as I sat down. I already had the sense that I would be well looked after and there were enough people around to ask questions if I had any problems.
So lots of people ask, what is the actual process when going for chemo.
Step 1
Get the cannula in! This is a tube that gets the drugs straight into your veins. It is put in with a needle, but then the needle comes out so you just have a tube in your vein (otherwise that would be super uncomfortable). So my first time (and my first time only) it was difficult getting the cannula in. My veins kept disappearing and were very thin. This meant they can get the needle in the vein, but it wasn’t wide enough to slide down, or even stay, but this is not a problem. My nurse tried 2 different places on my hand which didn’t work, so instead, she got a heated blanket and put this over my arm for 30 minutes, and asked me to drink more water. 30 minutes later, she came back and was able to get the cannula in the crease of my elbow. Once in, they tape it all up, so it doesn’t move and attach it to the tube where the drugs come from. The drugs are all in bags, that feed down a pipe, through a pump, out the pump, down the tubs, and into the cannula.
Step 2
Pre-meds. So initially they attached me to a saline drip for a few seconds just to make sure that the cannula is incorrect, then injected me (into the cannula) with an antihistamine to reduce the risk of an allergic reaction, and then also injected with steroids. My nurse mentioned that with the steroids, it can feel like a tingling sensation around the rectum. I did not have this. What I DID have, was the feel of what I can only describe as fire ants biting at my lady parts! It is like a real warm sensation. Not painful, just uncomfortable, but it’s okay because the nurse just slowed down the injection and it went away immediately. While having these injections, I also had to take an anti-sickness tablet, and drink some god-awful liquid that is a bright orange that I had to force down my throat. This protects the lining of the stomach while having chemotherapy. Now the pre-meds have been taken, I must sit for 35 minutes to let everything settle, make sure the cannula is in the right place before we start the chemotherapy.
Step 3
Chemotherapy drugs arrive! To make sure that the drugs are 100% for me when they bring them in, 2 nurses asked me to confirm my full name and DOB to make sure I am not getting something I shouldn’t have. The first of my drugs is called Paclitaxel. (I will have this every Friday for 21 weeks). The nurse hooks it up to the pump, unscrews the saline solution, and screws in the Paclitaxel. Due to the drugs being quite sensitive, they stay in the fridge, but they also must be covered up with a black bag, so they do not get too hot from the sun. (It’s all very clever this!). The nurse then set the pump up to run for an hour, and then I am left to my devices! Because the drugs are kept in the fridge, you can feel the cold going up the arm and the vein, which I found reassuring to know that it was in the vein, and not leaking into other parts of my arm. The great thing is, people are always walking in and out to check on you, but you do also have a buzzer, just in case you feel unwell or have questions, so there is nothing to worry about, you are never really left on your own.
Step 3b
Because of my chemotherapy – I have 2 different drugs given at separate times. Some people will have drugs given at the same time, some people will have 3 or 4 different drugs, and the length of time that each chemo drug is given varies also. So, for me, my second drug is called Carboplatin. (This one I will have every 3 weeks for the next 21 weeks). Before I can have this, I have a 4-minute flush of saline, and then 10 minutes of Glucose, and then the Carboplatin which is given to me for 30 minutes.
Step 4 – Clean up! Once all the drug bags have been emptied (and don’t worry, they will be checked!) then next is just a few more minutes of saline solution to flush it through, and then have the cannula taken out. The worst part of this, is them taking all the tape off my hairy arms! Ouch! The rest of it was fine. They just slowly pull out the cannula, put a swab over the top, and tape up! Not painful for me at all.
In total – I was in the hospital for about 4 hours, but the whole time I was there, I felt comfortable. I bought all the things that I thought I would need. i.e. the kindle, puzzle books, etc, but I didn’t touch any of them. I met 3 different people in the ward, an older gentleman who had his head down in his book and didn’t want to interact with anyone and just read. A lovely man called Paul, who was a bit chatty but didn’t want to talk about his diagnoses but happy for general chit-chat, and then I met a lady called Donna. She was so helpful, as she had had a full mastectomy and other surgeries, and as it was my first time, she was just explaining some of the symptoms I might have and how to combat them. So again, I felt comfortable as people were going through this, and just seemed fine. This was reassuring for me. You will figure out who wants to talk and who doesn’t, but unfortunately for everyone else – I like to talk! Ha!
The final thing before I left, I got given a big goody bag full of drugs to take!
- Ondansetron Tablets – Anti-sickness to be taken on the night of treatment
- Metoclopramide – Anti-Sickness – only take if needed
- Dexamethasone (Steroids) = Take these on the night of treatment, and then 3 times a day for 2 days. (I only must take these when I have Carboplatin).
- Filgrastim Injections – I must take these on set days, 3 days on and then 4 days off, etc. These need to be injected into the stomach, which I let Laura do for me. These are to help build up the white blood cells being created by my bone marrow to help with getting better!
After I had been given by big bag of goodies, I said goodbye to everyone and left – it was as simple as that. Laura picked me up, and we went home.
So overall, I had nothing to worry about. Having chemotherapy is not scary, nor painful and I am lucky that I did not react to any of the drugs given to me! Winning! The people in the ward were lovely – AND they fed me a sandwich and banana! (And yes, I also ate the food I had also taken – because I am a pig!). As soon as I got home, I got into my comfy PJ’s and straight away was hungry, so I ate lots and lots of butter on toast!
After my chemotherapy, and all of Xmas eve I felt fine like nothing had happened. No side effects, no tiredness, felt mostly normal (I mean, maybe a bit lightheaded and felt like I was a bit tipsy, but that was NOT a bad thing)!
Now for the wait. This is the hardest part. How will my body react? Am I going to be sick, nauseous, go numb in my hands and feet, feel sleepy and exhausted? What is my new “Normal” going to look like!